A memory so real

We are officially less than one month away from the day that changed our lives. The day that Cooper was born! Trey and I have really both been reflecting lately on the past year or so and have just been overwhelmed with everything that has happened and just how quickly it has gone. Truly amazing. I have lots I want to look back on mostly for me and a way to journal it of sorts & then as we get closer I can focus on all the fun stuff like the actual parties and the pictures that will come with them.

Looking back to August 11th I get emotional all over again as if it literally just happened. It is amazing how the memories of that day can bring me to instant tears of joy and of sorrow at any given moment even almost a year later. That day all I could do was take it all in. We had waited and waited and waited....on bedrest for this day to come and praying the whole time my body would pull through for us to keep him cooking. It did when medically it should not have according to my doctor. We know the prayers worked as we experienced that first hand.

That morning I got up after not hardly sleeping at all and was doing my normal internet thing looking around on facebook and checking e-mail. I happened upon my cousin's facebook and saw that something was going on with them from the comments. They too were pregnant and not far behind us. The short of it was that they had found out a week before or so that their little girl had Trisomy 18 and would need to be delivered early...the same day as Cooper. The part that made me sick to my stomach was that the outlook for her was not good. They had just hoped by delivering her early they would get a few hours with her alive. Immediately, my heart broke quite certainly into a million pieces. I just sat pouring tears and praying. I had no idea they were going through this struggle. My family made the best decision they could which was to not tell me yet as to avoid any more blood pressure problems. I understood but I was in such shock that all I could do when Trey walked in from eating breakfast out was burst into tears again and ask if he knew what was happening. I finally calmed down enough to get ready and our friend Dana came over to offer some extra support and the rest of the family was meeting us at HH.

So, I went to the hospital and we met our parents and some friends and waited to be called back. We talked about how I had found out and how the irony of the day was playing out. Two related families sitting in two different waiting rooms have two totally different experiences. How could this be happening? I just could not put my finger on how I should be feeling. It was all very surreal. After about a few hour delay I finally went back for my c-section. Everything went routine which I am so thankful for and it was a great experience. In recovery I was told that Cooper went to the NICU but it was only for an hour or so.

After an hour I was taken down to my room and Cooper was still not there. They kept saying not to worry so we tried not to. We had so many visitors and trey stayed busy letting people go in and out of the NICU to see little man. I stayed busy greeting visitors in the room. The whole day I just had this feeling of heartache about what I knew was going on a few hours away with my cousin. At the end of the day I asked that question that I knew the answer to but somehow hoped it changed by some chance. My dad did not say much other than to just kind of shake his head. I knew......

Finally, later that evening when we had the last of the visitors pass through and Cooper was still not in my arms I began to have a melt down. It was lack of sleep, the fact that I did not feel great, the fact that my heart was broken for so many I just needed to know that Cooper was ok. I somehow felt if I could hold him my world would be at peace for just a moment. My brother in law went and got Trey and he had just found out that Cooper would be staying in the NICU and that was it for me. I think I lost it at that point.

We needed a few minutes so everyone left and Trey and I were there left to deal with the aftermath of the day. Both exhausted and bleary eyed and tapped out. Some friends from Florence called and they were on their way. A time we had looked forward to sharing with them was kind of left flat. We were not sure we had the energy. One thing for sure is that God knew we needed to see them. Before they left that night Leann just said let's pray and it was just what we needed. A few quiet moments to talk to God holding hands with Dan and Leann and just breathing for a moment.

After they left Trey and I went to the NICU together and Cooper was under the oxygen tent and screaming. Needless to say I could not take anymore......we had to leave as quickly as we got there. I knew he was being cared for and that we were not allowed to touch him so there was nothing at that moment I could physically do.

I have recounted this day a million times in my mind. It is not the typical day of birth where there is a constant celebration although there was plenty of celebrating that he was here and aside from a few breathing issues he would be ok. A few hours a way our other family members were also celebrating of sorts and praising God for the time they got even though that did not take away the hurt. Their attitudes and faith in God were also an inspiration for the day.

Please don't misunderstand. I do realize how lucky we all were and I guess that's my point in all this is that I had this day built up in my head as to how I wanted it to go and God had his plans. I would not change any of it for anything. I think it was a good reminder of life and just how fragile it is so any glimmer of hope and joy you receive you hold on to it and cherish it. I think it gives this day character. A day that has a mix of joy, sorrow, pain, peace....anything other words you can think of we all probably experienced them. I guess this is the perfect picture of life where things don't go according to our plans, they get messy sometimes and we have to submit. Submit to our faith in God and that he knows what he wants for us and from us. So, as I recount the day I also count my blessings......each and every one.