Defeated

Today has been one of those days that don't come around often but when they do they take my legs out from under me. I feel totally defeated in every sense of the word. The culprit...my 15 month old super independent little boy whom I love dearly but who has got me backed into a corner today mentally.

Cooper is just at the phase where he is cutting teeth ALL the time with 2 being molars still working their way in on the top. Pray for us hard when the bottom ones start cutting. LOL...His biggest thing though is that he is so independent! I love that he wants to walk everywhere we go and he wants to be his own person and do his own thing. I do not want to squash that but come on he is still only 15 months. I am struggling to find that balance between independence and obedience. A fine line it seems to me. I'm totally struggling with how to balance it out and get it on his level.

Today we went to the mall and I usually let him roam around for an hour then if I want to look I make him get into the stroller so I can shop and he is a little tired from running around. Well today he decided he did not want to get into the stroller so he pitched a fit and I spanked him and talked to him as much as you can a child that age. Then about 30 minutes later when I tried again in JCPenny he went into full on melt down. Screaming, kicking, going limp etc. So much so that I could not even after 5 minutes of trying get him into the stroller. After 5 minutes I grabbed him up and spanked him to let him know this was NOT ok and then walked out of the store with tears pouring down my face. Feeling like a huge failure as people gawk and stare at the screaming child thinking can't she just shut him up. I know.....I once had those thoughts too several years before I was ever around kids. I pretty much cried the whole way home.

I did not want to react in anger and frustration to be taken out on my child so I just cried. That was how I dealt with it and then when we got home he went straight to his crib. Now, he's asleep thank the good lord above for a few moments of quiet.

I just needed to vent....In my bible study yesterday we talked about the fact that women talk a lot but not always about things that are REALLY going on for fear of being judged as a bad mom, friend, wife etc... I think if we talked more about the nitty gritty sometimes that would be much more of an encouragement and a chance for us to really speak positive affirmations over one another and give honest non judgmental advice. How awesome would that be. So, in an effort to be more transparent this has been my day and no I do not normally spank my child that much ever really but today warranted.

If anyone has sugguestions on how to deal with the whole new found independence. Please....lay it on me ;-) Otherwise, maybe this has encouraged you to be more transparent today and every day so that we can lift one another up when we need it.